It's funny how much your life can change on a dime. It doesn't feel like it's been almost 3 years since we left Reno. It doesn't feel like it's been almost 4 since we were married and found out we were expecting a baby. It doesn't feel like it's been almost 4 since we were anxiously waiting to hear about whether or not we would be moving into our own home. Some of these feel like it's been longer than so many years, and others feel like it's been shorter. But time passes all the same.
It also doesn't feel like that 9 months ago we found out we would be adding a fifth addition to our family. And it doesn't feel like that 7 months have passed, along with that illusion. I've kept it relatively quiet, and not that many people know. Today, however, makes the day we were due to welcome that little one into our lives
The day after Christmas we found out, and 3 weeks later it would be confirmed. And then at 9 weeks I went in for our first ultrasound and found out our little one had passed away probably that very morning. For 2 1/2 weeks we waited, and finally my body got the clue. But I would end up at the hospital doing an emergency procedure due to extreme blood loss. Through it all, there were a few people that were there for my family that I still can't thank enough. But Ray and I decided we would continue to keep it quiet (We were planning on telling people the good news at 12 weeks.) and continue on. Not even Carly knew, which I'm very glad for. However, today I just want to acknowledge the little one that would never be, and remind myself that it did happen. It was a hard month- a very hard month- as I've never dealt with anything like that before. But Ray was a solid rock and gave me so much support and so many options I can never thank him enough for.
We have decided, with finality, that we will just be sticking with the 2 amazing kids we are so lucky to have. 3 would have been great, but 2 is the number for us. Some people say money shouldn't play a factor into how many children you have, but I disagree (for our family.) I love being able to take my two on vacation, I want my two to be able to go to college without having to put themselves into debt, I want my two to experience stability financially in their lives. Money, of course, is not our only factor. Carly had a hard time adjusting to her brother, and now she seems to be on a great path developmentally. I do not want to derail her from that. Wesley is finally at a point where he doesn't scream when I leave the room, and is experiencing independence. I do not want to upset his progress, either. Ray and I got married with kids- heck, my whole adult life has been with child. Although I do not want time to pass quickly at all, there will be a time when my babies leave the nest and Ray and I can do things for our relationship (More so than an occasional night or weekend.)
There are more reasons, and you might not agree with any of mine- and that's fine! But Ray and I have decided that 2 is our number.
But #3, had you made your appearance into our lives today, tomorrow, yesterday, or any other time- we would have loved to have you. Carly would have continued to be an amazing big sister, and Wesley would have fallen into the roll of big brother with ease. I have accepted the fact that you were not meant to be, but am thankful for the time I did have with you. (Even if it included my first morning sickness experience out of three pregnancies!) For those couple of months, you had me set on 3 being our number!
Thank you to you all, who offered up your support during that time so freely. My mama, Ray's mom and stepdad, my friends- Amber and Katie who let me text them continuously, Megan, who would come and sit with my all day at the hospital so that my husband would know I wasn't alone, my RT friends who listened to me vent over the internet. And most importantly, My husband. (And I am sure I am missing someone, and for that I'm sorry.) Without you all, I probably wouldn't have gotten out of bed that month.
#3, it's no longer like you never happened. And that's really all I wanted. You did happen, and you did change my life, and I thank you for that. I love you <3
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